tvklogs | Tryin' to walk through the pain

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Tryin' to walk through the pain

Who: Albedo and Gaignun
Where: Gaignun's hotel room.
When: Saturday morning.
What: Brothers meet after a painful death. Violence and bonding ensue, in that order.
Rating: Probably PG-13 for mild violence and references to death and insanity.

It didn't take much to figure out that Nigredo was angry, but Albedo couldn't blame him. He had, after all, felt the same way when it was him forced to watch his brother fade away. But he didn't regret what he had done-well, maybe he acknowledged that he shouldn't have said some of the things he had while he was insane, but he didn't regret dying. There hadn't been any other way, unless Rubedo had spontaneously reappeared. And that was what he needed to explain to Nigredo, now that he had the time and the focus.

To anyone who didn't know better, he seemed perfectly calm walking through the hotel toward his brother's room. Nobody would have been able to tell that the last time he'd been able to walk on his own, he had been on a rampage and traumatized two people. They wouldn't be able to tell that he was still volatile, barely containing a nearly crippling pain. In truth, he felt like he'd been torn in half, but he couldn't let it show. He couldn't let himself show his weakness. Not in the hallway, and not as he raised a gloved fist to knock firmly on his brother's door.

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It was comforting in a way to see those emotions mirrored in Albedo's eyes, a small sign that he had not gone to his death lightly. A comfort, but not one that would calm him at this point.

"Was it worth it Albedo? Did it accomplish what you wanted?" Uncertainty flashed over Gaignun's face, like he needed to know this but it wasn't what he wanted to ask. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted. Everything? Nothing?

Albedo showed a small smile, fragile and sad, but without his usual mocking overtones. Now wasn't the time and he wasn't in the mood to taunt and bait or to hide his motivations.

"My present attitude should answer your second question. As for the first, that's up to you, Nigredo. Death and rebirth hasn't put an end to my pain, but it wasn't for my own sake that I was so intent on breaking free of my anger."

Not his own sake? Surely Albedo wasn't implying...Oh. So he was. It made sense in a way, with the absense of Rubedo of course the other two would try to shore up the banks and dying had worked wonders before...

A small flash of 'fault' replaced 'sake' for a minute before that thought was banished. This wasn't the time for that. Seeing that sad smile, it broke his heart almost as badly as seeing Albedo die had. He never could stand to see either of his brothers in pain. He put his hand up to that pale cheek, only slightly letting his fingers rest there.

"No. This is about you. Will this last?"

He lifted his hand to touch the back of Nigredo's, letting his gloved fingers curl lightly around his brother's hand as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to cling or back away. He couldn't meet Nigredo's gaze anymore, glancing away before the doubt and worry that had begun to creep in became too evident.

"Who knows? I certainly hope to remain in control of my emotions from this point, but separated as I am from Rubedo..."

He had to pause to fight back a new wave of pain and his hand tightened around Nigredo's.

"It was hardly pleasant to be without the link, but losing Rubedo like this is more agonizing even than our separation after Miltia."

It was hard to admit it, but Nigredo deserved to know everything with regards to his current situation. He needed to know, in case Albedo really did snap again, so he wouldn't be caught off guard and so he would realize Albedo might not be saying what he really felt.

"I know Albedo, I know. This is worse then Miltia because there's no way to fix it." The 'I can't fix this' is left unsaid. "I know you two shouldn't be separated like this. I know it hurts you."

There's a small shift in Gaignun's stance, and a bit of fire enters his eyes. "But, next time, give me a chance to at least try and find another solution! Or at least warn me you're going to pull something like that!" He knows he's being selfish right now, but all this angst is mixing in with his own feelings of abandonment, and not in a good way. In a way, Albedo had run off just like Rubedo, but of his own will instead of the towns.

"Would you have allowed me to follow through with my intentions had you known what I was doing, Nigredo?"

He smiled wryly, looking back into his brother's eyes. "I didn't have the presence of mind for long enough to develop a plan b. Do you truly believe you would have felt better having watched me lose my ability to act out of anything but rage knowing that you foiled the only attempt at grounding myself that I was capable of making or seeing me die with the knowledge that you had ample time to prevent it?"

"So watching you die a bloody death would be better then anything?"

This is just about the only warning you're going to get. Gaignun may have been the most even tempered and calm of the URTV boys, however even he had his buttons and breaking points. Anything to do with his brothers was a big one in both categories. His free hand curled a bit, the nails biting into his palms but he didn't move quite yet.

"Nigredo..." His voice was tense, showing hints of sadness and something almost like regret. "I'm certain you're aware of what would have happened had I remained in that unstable state. Do you truly believe it would have been easier to be split by my madness than by my death?"

No. Stop it. Remember Nigredo you're supposed to be the sensible one. Words said here can not be called back.

Death fixed things last time. Hell, it even seemed to help Jr deal with what had happened at Miltia and those fourteen years that passed in between. Deep down, he knows that he's acting out on his own hurt with this, that this isn't entirely Albedo's fault. Knowledge for once does not make things easier. In fact, it weighs down on him until something snaps.

"Shut up!"

Gaignun pulled his hand down away from Albedo's face, though he kept a hold of that hand that was curled around it, and with lightning speed that spoke volumes about how soft he hadn't gone over those years as a desk jockey, he lashed out at Albedo with the other fist. Hard across the jaw.

The punch caught him off guard and knocked him off balance. He tried to clutch at the hand still beneath his fingers, but he still fell, smacking into the wall with a loud thud. The sudden attack caused a surge of anger to come up over the pain and fear and for a moment, he was tempted to hit Nigredo back. He probably would have, if it wasn't for his brother's fingers still latched around his, trying to hold on even as he lashed out. But he couldn't keep himself from launching a verbal attack.

"You know it's true, Nigredo. Or would you have preferred if I had forced you away, perhaps even attacked you while lost in that haze of fear and hatred?"

Gaignun regretted that strike as soon as he heard Albedo hit the wall, the sound bringing him back.

"I know it's true! Damn it Albedo...I know..." He said softly, his clenched fist going slack and swinging down to his side. He still held tightly to Albedo's hand, even if it held them both in an awkward position. But that's how it was with them, awkward connections held too tightly, hurting them all but they just can't let go.

"I just...oh, this isn't how I wanted this to go." He made a small noise at the back of his throat, one that Albedo probably hadn't heard since they were six (though Gaignun had made it twice when they were twelve, both times covered by loud explosions of some sort), and looked away, sinking down to his knees.

Albedo's anger faded when he heard that sound and saw Nigredo break eye contact. He followed his brother to the ground, squeezing his hand tightly to help force back his own emotions. If they both broke down, this conversation would go nowhere.

His expression was oddly soft, weakened by worry and sadness, as he reached out with his free hand to try to nudge his younger brother to look at him. He knew better than to try to force it, given their shared tendency to try to resist being told what to do, but he didn't want Nigredo looking away from him.

"Nor was it my intent for you to witness my death. The best laid plans, eh, little brother?"

He forced a small smile, trying to lighten the mood with the small joke.

Nigredo's gaze came easily, having been able to reassert his own emotional control in that small minute. Recognizing Albedo's efforts he snorted softly in amusement.

"Story of our life, isn't that? We try and do what we think is right and some how, someway, some part of it fails to go as planned." He's talking about many things with that comment, some of the things he's pulled off is included.

"I know you were doing your best, and I know this worked last time. I'll say no more against it."

His hand started to fall to his side when Nigredo turned back to look at him, but stopped with the tips of his fingers still brushing the skin of his brother's face, lingering on the spot where he'd kissed his cheek before dying.

"Thank you, Nigredo."

Two simple words, but they were practically unheard of from Albedo, and just speaking them caused his voice to tighten.

It certainly was a surprise to hear them falling from Albedo's lips now, though by no means unwelcome. His posture softened and he shifted to get more comfortable.

"I'm happy to see you whatever the case."

His hand lingered on Nigredo's face for a moment longer before he finally broke contact to sit beside his brother properly, still clinging to his hand like he had so many years ago when Rubedo was busy and he couldn't bear to be alone. Nigredo's words were a relief, but they were still Nigredo's. They couldn't fill the empty spot where Rubedo's presence should have been.

"Then I hope you won't mind seeing me around a bit more."

No, nothing could fill that hole and Nigredo knew that well. But that was alright, after all he knew best of all that the twins held each other in the biggest section of their hearts. He knew that he was not who Albedo really wanted and needed, but he would do what he could for his brother. Not to mention there was a Rubedo shaped hole in his world view at the moment too.

"Of course not. I would be rather annoyed if you chose to go into seclusion after all that." And hurt, but he'll leave that out since Albedo has pretty much agreed to stay in reaching range. He curled his fingers tighter around Albedo's hand to emphasize his point.

"The point of it was to avoid that outcome, after all."

He raised a knee and draped his free arm over it, turning his head so that he could see his brother properly. Nigredo's hand in his gave him one form of comfort and assurance that he wasn't alone, but he felt better looking at the only real family he still had here.

Nigredo felt the same way, even if sometimes he and Albedo got along like oil and water. Already he was feeling better, enough to smile a little at his brother. He'll save the lectures for later when they're both out of the trauma cling stage.

"...your hair is a mess."

"I happen to like it this way, Nigredo."

He shoved his brother's shoulder with his own, showing a small teasing smile.

"And you look like you're the one who's dead on his feet."

Edited 2012-02-19 05:36 (UTC)

Nigredo had to laugh a bit at the joke. "To be honest I almost feel like it. It's been a rough week. I didn't manage to get much sleep." This wasn't said to guilt trip Albedo, it was simply the truth.

"Besides, this town has gone crazy." He sighed and shook his head.

"The full moon already, is it? Or perhaps fool moon would be more apt in this place." He chuckled a bit at his own joke.

"Though you can spare me the details for now. I'm feeling a little groggy yet myself."

SIGH. What is it with you and Jr being so fond of anachronisms? Thankfully he gets most of them. "Fool moon is right." He smiled and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall.

"I'm not surprised you're groggy, you just woke up. But that's fine, I don't think I'm up to you being high energy right now anyways."

"I can't say I'm looking forward to going to sleep tonight, however."

He turned his hand over to look at his gloved palm as the amusement faded from his expression. His nightmares were bad enough at the best of times, but they would be that much worse now that Rubedo was gone and he was sane again.

"You know..." He stopped mid sentence, one of the rare times he wonders if he needs to reword something before letting it slip out into the open air. He figured he knew what Albedo really didn't want to face in the dark.

"If you want to, I'll probably be in my room doing paper work most of the night if you want to crash there." There, offer made. "If you can sleep with typing that is."

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