I just can't look its killing me & taking control; (CLOSED)

[ex_cashcow493]

WHO: caliburns and croibhristeoir
WHAT: Lack of magic resistance
WHEN: November 17 - Dark Hour
WHERE: Bookstore
RATING: PG-13 for now.

[ The night before was a failure. She left Diarmuid by himself to chase after his shadow, but was left with nothing but guilt for abandoning him. Tonight though she was prepared all while keeping an eye out for any of the other potential Shadows she had been told about.

Perhaps it was stupid of her to be out on her own, but she cared not. Sitting alone in the bookstore, lights turned off, she waits for the clock to strike midnight. She may have dozed off sometime before then though. ]

Comments

[ex_cashcow493]

For the Holy Grail matters little here, as do the actions of our past. We only live for what we have in this place for when we leave here, we will have none of this!

[ There's a part of her that reminds her that breaking this spear is important, but instead of holding it, both of her hands move to clutch at his chest. ]

Please! Please think of what you have here. You have yet to fail in this place.

[croibhristeoir]

It's not enough, Arturia. It's never enough--I'm so selfish, aren't I? For the first time, a woman has no romantic interest in me and yet I love her dearly. But you have Emiya Shirou. And if not him, surely you would want Archer rather than me.

It's only fair I should feel the pain of unrequited love, after causing so many women to feel the same in my lifetime.

[ex_cashcow493]

[ She's just going to lean her head in against his chest. Almost as though she was accepting defeat with his words. ]

[croibhristeoir]

...well? Do you have nothing to say about that?

[ex_cashcow493]

[ Silence. There's one hell of an internal conflict going on in her mind, so the only answer he'll receive is her hold tightening on his clothing. ]

[croibhristeoir]

...I don't want to be alone, Arturia.

[ex_cashcow493]

... Then I will spend every late hour with you, Diarmuid. [ Quietly spoken as she realizes just how taboo her words were. ] We can just be like this.

[croibhristeoir]

You don't want me like that. You only speak like this now because of my curse--you think I've not heard sweet words with nothing but coercion driving them before?

[ex_cashcow493]

Have I not proven it prior to this eve, Diarmuid? With whom is it I shared a bed with for weeks? Do you think rest comes to me easily when I am not beside you?

[croibhristeoir]

And yet you left to keep Archer under control. It aches knowing I no longer share a room with you; your companionship means everything to me, and yet I'm too much of a coward to admit it.

[ex_cashcow493]

So then I quit my job to work in that store. Are you selectively blind? Need I remind you that I love you? Have I not said that to you before?

[croibhristeoir]

You don't love me the way I wish you could.

[ex_cashcow493]

[ 'I love Shirou Emiya.' It's a simple enough phrase to chant nonstop within her mind. A chorus that she tries to focus on to drown out his words, but it doesn't. She hears him loud and clear - a concise plea that tugs at the lines of loyalty weaved through her heart. They are bound in a way that's unexplainable to men of this time. Men who have never held a brother close to their chest as they bled out, men who never had to endure the cruelties of a war lacking in modern medicine.

It's a loyalty she's willing to place more weight in. Diarmuid's rarely hurt her in the same manner that Shirou has. No, she shouldn't think like this. She can't think like this. Yet, the strange allure that's drawn her in this close only attempts to fill the gap with the combination of her standing on her toes and a firm tug against his torso.

To bring him down closer to her. Impulse is hardly her thing, but she can't help it at this very moment. There's one thing she absolutely needs and that's confirmation of his words. Action spoke louder than they did, so if he kisses her, then she'll know. ]

[croibhristeoir]

[Diarmuid's Shadow was dangerous. There were many, many things Diarmuid kept to himself, so many little spiteful thought he brushed aside as unfair and unnecessary.]

[But so many little thoughts tended to build up. So of course his Shadow, the amalgamation of such denied and repressed thoughts, would be dangerous.]

I don't want to hurt you.

[But he was honest. Not even in his darkest thoughts could Diarmuid ever truly lie. Since he was a collection of impulses and spiteful thoughts, however...of course he'd kiss her. A light and almost nonexistent brush of his lips against hers, but present all the same.]

I don't want to tear anyone else apart from those they love. But I can't stop it. I am truly a pathetic knight.

[ex_cashcow493]

It is me who is pathetic, Diarmuid. For you never once overstepped the boundaries of a knight even if many opportunities presented itself. I am the one who insists on laying in the same bed. I am the one who dressed up with the full intent of impressing you.

[ Subtle things she never fully realized. ]

I was cursed the moment my beloved came here. For I am set to betray him as I have been betrayed.

[croibhristeoir]

It would cause me far too much pain to put you in a position like this, knowing the pain such a thing will lead to. And losing your presence at my side would be no less painful than my own heart being torn from my chest.

[ex_cashcow493]

You will never lose me, Diarmuid. I have sworn myself to be your knight and you my own, right?

[ The combination of sleep deprivation and DAT SPOT is starting to wear her down. ]

Please.

[croibhristeoir]

I almost wish that we could run away together as I once did. But the desire for that is far outweighed by my wish to see you content.

[Even as a Shadow, he wasn't selfish enough to simply take what he wanted. Which probably said something about Diarmuid in general.]

Go back to Emiya. Or Archer, if you will. I will remain your knight, your companion, and nothing further.

[ex_cashcow493]

I cannot return to Shirou.

[ She's betrayed him in a moment of .. whatever this is. Arturia Pendragon never confesses to weakness, so it's not that. Bad judgment? No, it wasn't that either. Even if the man was a Shadow who will disappear.. she still tarnished her loyalty to her love. ]

You know that.

[croibhristeoir]

I am too much of a coward to grant what you deserve and what I desire.

[ex_cashcow493]

Then what are we to do?