tvklogs | The Masquerade Ball Begins

...

[He couldn't stand it. This was wrong, it was wrong on so many levels in so many ways but...but he so desperately wanted to be selfish just for this one moment. Seeing her smiling and so at ease, Diarmuid simply couldn't stand it. Just once, that was all he wanted.]

I'm...sorry. Please, don't hate me for this.

[He hesitated only a second longer before closing the distance between them and pressing a light kiss to her cheek, then immediately pulling back and staring at the ground as if expecting the blade of an executioner to descend immediately.]

[ A kiss on the cheek wasn't too startling to a king. After all, during her time, such a thing was a form of respect. When she sees his gaze fall to the ground, that only makes her place her gloved hands against the earth as she leans over.

There, he'll have a kiss in return on his left cheek, Saber smiling brightly at him. ]

Why would I hate you for such a honor, Diarmuid? [ If there was affection placed behind his actions, it was lost on the girl. ]

[Gods above, she'd missed the point. Missed it utterly and completely, all because at the last possible second he had been too much of a coward to do things properly.]

I don't...I don't know.

[It was better this way. It was better she didn't realize, better things stayed as they were. Better she should remain with Shirou Emiya, and he remained with his beloved wife...that he felt like he barely knew anymore.]

[No, it was better this way. So why...why did it hurt so much? Why, as he stared intently at the ground, did it seem like his vision was blurring? It must have been his imagination, because he surely wasn't going to break in front of her of all people.]

Diarmuid?

[ There's fear and concern in her voice as she brings those hands up to her face, tugging the dirtied glove off with her teeth. The strong scent of grass doesn't bother her even this close to her nostrils and the small amount of dirt that sticks to her moist lips doesn't seem to inconvenience her as much as the situation before her.

Once her hands were free and bare of dirtied gloves, she brings them to his face. Slender fingers stroke at the corner of his eyes to try to catch those tears before they could fall. ]

Diarmuid... I am afraid I offended you somehow without meaning to. [ An easy confession as she holds onto his face gently, but firmly. ] Please do not cry because of me. I am no good with communicating with others and if I have upset you, then please accept my apologies. If you wish for me to leave, I can do that as well. Just please... please do not cry.

No, it's...you haven't...I'm sorry.

[He gave her a smile; strained though it was, it was the only way he had to reassure her it wasn't her fault.]

I must seem like a terrible imbecile right now...hopefully you can forgive me for that.

[Death would be merciful right now. Anything instead of looking like such an idiot in front of her, anything rather than continuing to endure agony this extreme.]

[ His smile does little for his words and the tone in which he speaks them are heard, breaking the veil of comfort. Years of always keeping her feelings to herself and her allies at arm's length leave her to struggle with her words. Often, she just kept to them to herself, but tonight's different. ]

Do not pretend otherwise, Diarmuid. You think me ignorant enough to neglect your emotions? I have sinned against you and I am ordering you to tell me what I have done so that I may began to punish myself for my behavior.

Arturia, don't--you are not the one at fault here, I swear that to you now.

Please do not protect me from myself. If I have harmed you, then I need to make things right.

I am telling you only the truth. I could never bring myself to lie to you, no matter the circumstances.

[this thread now brought to you by reverie]

If, in a moment like this that is as close to perfect as I can imagine, I am unhappy...then it is only through fault of my own. Because I...have been terribly selfish. It's unforgivable, truly. And even if it wasn't...even if the entire world will forgive me for this, I can never forgive myself!

After all this time...after everything, after months of trying desperately to tell myself otherwise, I can no longer stand the pain of lying to myself. I love you, Arturia. And I don't...I don't care if you don't think the same of me. No, it's better if you didn't; I would sooner die than separate even one more couple with my mere existence.

Edited (typoing under the influence) 2012-03-18 06:12 (UTC)

You are happy with Emiya, and that is all I could ever want. I would ask nothing of you save for my fondest wish that things could just...stay as they are. That I could stay by your side, as your knight and as your companion. This past week has marked the happiest I have ever been since the day that I was summoned, just because I was with you and able to see you happy.

That is...all I want. I only want you to be happy. But I...I can not endure the weight of keeping my thoughts a secret from the one I trust above all others any longer.

...please forgive me. Please, even though I know it to be undeserved...don't hate me for this, I beg of you. My heart could not possibly stand it.

Diarmuid.

[ The way she says his name is almost as though it were a silent plea for him to stop. In fact, she says it the entire time he speaks, trying to catch his attention. Throughout it all, she doesn't pull back from him, nor show any hint of anger in his confession.

It's difficult, she can admit, being in love with someone when you have a wife already. With a bit more understanding towards Guinevere's situation, she finds her hands moving from his face down his neck until they find his shoulders. With as much strength as she could find, she tries to pull him down towards her in an embrace. ]

I have gone and hurt you in a way I can never undo. [ Typical of her to hoist the blame on herself even when he insists otherwise. Such is the life of a king who wishes to protect their subjects or in this case, a knight who has devoted himself to her. It's the same with Lancelot, she knows, except this time she was the source of conflict. ] I hope you can forgive me someday for this, Diarmuid.

[ Because she knows as of this moment he cannot. She's scared of losing him as she tightens her hold on him, so scared that she's stopped being the carefree maiden he allowed her to be during the week and has reverted to the valiant knight who places others before herself. ]

I can leave. [ It's a small offer, but the best she can give him. ] Leave this place and never return so that you may live your life with your beloved without feeling ... without feeling ... [ She can't even bring herself to say it, because it's unbelievable. Who could love her? Shirou somehow does, but only due to the stress of the war. But no, Archer proves he loves her beyond that, through all of time. ] ... without feeling a thing for me, you know. I could abandon all of this and disappear until whatever power has brought me here decides to return me to my final resting place. So please, please do not think it to be the end of your happiness because of me.

...please, don't say things like that.

[He put his arms around her without a moment's hesitation when she pulled him to her level.]

It is no fault of yours that things have ended up this way. Had time and circumstance allowed for it, I have no doubt I would have felt this way long before either of us came to this city. As far as I am concerned, you have done nothing needing forgiveness. And if you have, then I would give it at a moment's notice. If you would blame yourself, then I forgive you. If you would bear the weight of responsibility for this, then I would carry it right alongside you.

[Diarmuid tightened his own hold on her in response--they were both afraid, and he damn well knew it. In a matter of moments he had taken whatever happiness they'd found and stupidly destroyed it. Selfish, thoughtless idiot, how he hated himself at that moment. After all his anger at Shirou for hurting her by leaving, he had done far worse. Hypocrite.]

Don't...don't leave. Please, don't leave. [He'd struggled to maintain composure already, but an edge of desperation worked its way into his voice now.] No matter the situation...I am happy with you. It's fine if you don't love me. I would not dare seek the alternative as long as you are happy with Emiya. But please, my dearest Arturia...please stay by my side and allow me to remain at yours.

[ His words weren't reaching her as she shook her head, the decision already firm in her mind. Between this and Shirou wanting to stand up to his father so the two of them could move in together, it was too much. What was it that Gilgamesh said? Investing in something that bore no fruit, wasn't that it? Simply put, Saber was incapable of returning anything to anyone for emotions were difficult for her to understand. After spending so much of her life keeping them locked away, there's no way someone's words can reach her.

Not when she's like this. Not when she's encased herself in a strong mental wall that blocks out everything. He could scream of his love for her forever and all she would think is how horrible she was for forcing him to love her in return.

Her heart pounds hard and fast in her chest, so much so that he might be able to feel it against his own as she holds onto him, trying to keep her fear from showing. Through all of that though, a simple term stuck out to her. ]

Your dearest Arturia..? [ Not king or Saber or charge or anything of the sort. He used her name. He called her his own by that. ] Diarmuid, I... I am so lost right now. I am afraid I do not understand just how you feel for me. It is not unusual for a knight to love their king, right?

No, it's not...like that.

[Why didn't she...? Why didn't she understand this?]

[No...he knew why. He knew exactly why. 'I love you'. Every single day of his life he heard those words in one context and one context alone. And each time it only brought pain to everyone involved. Diarmuid inwardly cursed his own stupidity, lamented that he was too selfish and careless to know when those words should never, ever have been said.]

[Arturia Pendragon had not lived nearly the same way as Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, and not only due to the vast differences in status. While he understood the love and respect between knights and those they fought for, at the same time hearing it directed at him was rare in comparison.]

[She surely loved those who served under her. While he had died hated by the one who he served without question.]

[Their innate understanding of the concept of love were simply each the polar opposite of the other's. He couldn't make her understand, not if he had all the time in the world and all the words of a thousand poets.]

[So he dared to do something unthinkable. Commit sacrilege that he would forever know would be unforgivable.]

[Diarmuid made his point the only way he could; with the faintest brush of his lips against hers. It could almost not even be called a kiss, for how scarcely he lingered there and how hesitant he was to do it properly.]

[He was terrified. But this was the only way he could even begin to communicate his concept of love versus her own.]

Edited 2012-03-18 07:21 (UTC)

[ Before she can ask just what it was like then, she felt something unfamiliar against her mouth. No, she remembers this all too much. Months ago when she stared up into the glowing golden eyes that gave away his cruel intentions, did she not beg him to kiss her?

And even then his shadow kissed her this way. A presence barely there and if it weren't for her opened eyes, she would think it was just the wind.

Could this even be considered a kiss? For a man who had not only a wife but hundreds of maidens who fell for him, it felt strange to her that he didn't know how to properly execute one. ]

I hope you do not mean for our first true kiss to be one hardly worth remembering. [ Spoken in jest, Saber brought a hand up from his shoulder towards the back of his head, fingers weaving through his hair. With a reminder tucked away in her mind to apologize later for messing it up, she held him prisoner. ] I think I am starting to understand your intentions however.

[ Apologies to Shirou could come later and she will be damned for this no question about it. He didn't take it well when she spoke of the event involving his shadow, so there's no way he would take a week getaway ending in this easily. This was something she felt no remorse for as she brought in her lips towards his. While she rarely shows her passion in anything, he can feel lucky that there's no hesitation from her for such a moment.

Also yes, King Arthur does know how to give a damn good kiss. He can thank Shirou later. ]

[Of course he knew. But this was...different. This was Arturia. She was different, she deserved respect on a level higher than damned near anyone. He couldn't just-...]

[...-he couldn't just kiss her like she was kissing him.]

[Unlike many people, Diarmuid knew exactly what it felt like to have your heart stop. It had happened to him twice, and now if he didn't know better he'd say it just happened again. His mind went completely blank, shock driving all words or thoughts away in a moment. Questions like 'what are you doing' and more importantly 'why' would just have to wait.]

[ She's relentless with her passion almost as though it had been stored away for months. In fact, it's quite possible that it had been, after all that the pair had endured. From the beginning of her time here, from the time back during the Fourth Holy Grail War, from the past week - all of these events were sure to bring about some emotion in her.

Instead of concerning herself with the repercussions or the amount of people who just might have his head for this, she focuses on just making this the most enjoyable memory that the two could share. Because after this there may never be another smile or word exchanged between the two. ]

Edited (DOES DIARMUID REALIZE HE'S KISSING A GIRL WHO LOOKS FOURTEEN JUST WONDERING) 2012-03-18 08:03 (UTC)

[It was worth it. Gods, was it ever worth it. The entire city could be out for his blood and he would accept that consequence gladly if it meant he could just have this one moment and nothing else. Selfish, yes. Stupid, yes. But he couldn't find it in him to care]

[He was more than used to people turning on him for things like this. And once more he knew he would trade away the life he'd built for the sake of a woman, without hesitation.]

[ All good things must come to an end though as she finally releases him from her hold in both aspects, her hand falling to rest at the base of his neck and her mouth resting against the corner of his own. ]

Diarmuid.

Arturia...wh-why?

[It was all he could think to say.]

Because that was not a proper kiss. I wished to show you how to do one right.

...is that really all? I don't wish to separate you from Emiya. Surely you know I do not want to hurt you like that.

Do you wish for me to give you an answer in return, Diarmuid? An answer in confusion and spur of the moment will end poorly not only for us, but those dearest to us. Would you rather a lie that I may have to take back or will you grant me the time to sort through my own ... feelings.

[ The word is awkward for her as she glances off to the side, unable to face him as she continues. ]

I shall discuss this with Shirou. I hope you do not mind it, but I can never be dishonest about something of this nature. He has taken risks against those who love him for me, so I must lay out everything for him. [ She must prove to him that his father was right about her in the end. ] After that, I will think long and hard about this night, about the past week, about all of these months we have shared together.

I ask that you do the same. You are not alone in this world and neither am I, yet here we are in a garden exposing our hearts to one another. Love surely is not simple. It is a complex thing that I do not fully understand and I must think it through.

Please forgive me for being so cruel in making you wait even longer.

No, I...I understand. You're right, of course.

[That was the best way to approach things. To fix them now that he'd ruined everything.]

There is nothing to forgive, as I said before. [Diarmuid paused at that, looking uncertain.]

Arturia, do you--do you hate me for this?

Do you think me the type to kiss someone I hate? [ She's almost offended at this, Diarmuid. ] Or need I place my lips upon yours again to remind you of my feelings?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject